Election day

Today, voters in Ing-er-lan go to the polls in a general election. They can choose from:

• a racist, authoritarian, capitalist, warmongering party that's been in power for a decade
• a racist, authoritarian, capitalist, warmongering party that was in power for a decade and half beforehand
• a mildly racist, authoritarian, capitalist, and slightly less warmongering party that's never been in power, other than a brief alliance back in the 70s

If you're a racist, and that includes most of the white population of Ing-er-lan these days, you're spoilt for choice. As well as the above, you've got:

• a racist, anti-European, authoritarian, capitalist, petit-bourgeois party
• a virulently racist, anti-everyone, highly authoritarian, fascist party

Truly a grab-bag of goodies for all those who loathe asylum seekers/blacks/asians/muslims/arabs/europeans/{insert hate group of choice}, egged on by a tabloid press and government more racist than at any time since the notorious early 70s when the National Front marched through the streets.

If you're a racist and you love taking oil by force from Middle East towel-heads, you're in clover. If you're a racist, warmongerer, and believe that there should be a CCTV camera in every home ("nothing to fear, nothing to hide"), you're in heaven. Ing-er-lan is your oyster, mate.

If you're non-racist, anti-capitalist, anti-authoritarian, then it's tough titties. Either you don't vote, or you hold your nose and choose your evil. It's like knowing that you're going to have a sexually-transmitted disease, but at least you get the choice from HIV, syphilis and gonorrhea. That's parliamentary democracy for you.

On the plus side, at least there'll be lots of kids getting the day off if their school's used as a polling station - I used to really look forward to elections when ah wa' lad, 'appen.